Women are boring, stupid, delusional, insipid morons that annoy men at every turn. If they didn’t smell so good and provide us with something to have sex with, they’d be totally and completely useless. However, they take themselves pretty seriously and create lists of things about stereotypical women that are basically hints for men to look at to try and understand them better.
Of course, we don’t actually care. And we know better. Thus, I provide you with better, more accurate versions of those lists.
Women’s Top Ten Conversation Topics
- Does this make me look fat?
- I think I’ll talk about my feelings for two hours.
- Why does nobody love me?
- Well, my cat loves me.
- I’m going to pretend like I shouldn’t eat that piece of cheesecake, but then totally do it anyway.
- And then whine about how I don’t fit into my college jeans.
- And then blame it on supermodels for creating “unrealistic expectations.”
- And then call myself “curvy” instead of just admitting that I need to lose 20lbs.
- Feminism is awesome and I’m a feminist. What does “feminism” mean?
- *vacant staring*
Women’s Top Ten Least Favorite Conversation Topics
- My buddies and I are going to the strip club tonight.
- I really really really don’t want to hear stupid stories about your fatherless kids.
- She’s nobody. Just the girl I dated in college.
- No, you can’t drive.
- My cholesterol is fine.
- No, I won’t quit smoking.
- I really really really don’t want to go to your parents house. Again.
- I prefer oral/anal to vaginal sex.
- No, I don’t have a facebook page.
- No, actually, I’ve never read/seen Twilight.
Women’s Top Ten Date Picks
- Romantic moonlit walk under the stars on the beach while Italian music plays in the background and a ferris wheel spins in the distance.
- Sudden pick-up in the middle of work where she’s then scooped him in his arms and literally carried all the way to the airport for a spontaneous trip to Venice—damn the costs.
- Sipping champagne on a sailboat at dusk while the lights of the city come on in the horizon, as he gives you his coat when you utter a shiver.
- Sharing a bowl of spaghetti and both taking bites unaware that you’re both eating at different ends of the same strand of spaghetti.
- A stroll through the park with a pair of tiny, yappy dogs on a leash and a picnic basket under one arm until they find that secluded oak tree where they then sprawl out and let the dogs run free.
- A trip to a prestigious opera or ballet, where he then stares at her the entire time because she is far more beautiful than the artistic display being presented on stage.
- Holding hands while at the pet store, cooing at all the adorable puppies and kittens, and then giving her the chance to giggle as he hilariously attempts to make friends with a bird that just pecks at him.
- The exciting game of one on one football where she dresses slightly tomboyish and throws like a girl which ultimately ends up with him gently tackling her and then rolling around in the grass while a catchy pop-romance song plays over the radio.
- Spending the day in the middle of a quiet secluded lake on the pretext of having gone fishing, to the point of baiting hooks, casting lines, and actually getting a bite—which then gets away and results in laughter and then making out.
- Going to lame romantic comedy movie in which he sits there contemplating suicide with a confused and desperate look on his face that she finds totally endearing followed by the stroll out of the movie theater where he then postures that “it wasn’t bad” which she then melts over because he’s so sensitive.
Top Ten Restaurant Types for a Date
- Somewhere where you have to be “on the list.”
- That fucking place she read about that all the celebrities are talking about.
- That fucking place that she saw in that awful fucking movie she just watched.
- That fucking place she read about that all the food critics/her friends are talking about.
- That fucking place where she knows the bartender/waiter where she then struts about because she gets “better service.”
- Sushi—but not authentic Sushi. California-style Sushi. Chopsticks mandatory.
- Italian, with that whole melted candle in the bottle thing.
- French. But only if it has a waiter that says things like, “Oui, oui, mademoiselle” while sneering at her date.
- That indie bar that serves tofu-sticks and granola while a really really annoying folk band belts out bad covers of classic rock songs.
- That BBQ joint where she can show how “down to earth” she is by eating ribs with her hands and getting BBQ sauce all over her face.
Women’s Top Ten Favorite Ways to Have Someone Flirt with Them
- Coy looks across the office as his hulking muscles lift a water cooler into place.
- Coy looks across the pool as he pretends like he’s actually cleaning it.
- Coy looks across a distance as he plays with either a dog or a small child.
- Coy looks from the driver’s seat as he appears to pay more attention to you than to the road.
- Hearing self-deprecating stories where he describes an instance that he made an ass of himself but spinning it in a charming way.
- Watching and hearing sarcasm towards one of her antagonists where he puts her nemesis in his place while simultaneously singing the praises of her.
- Being next to him as he makes a witty quip that he mistakes as irony about some strange passing observance that somehow relates to her.
- Having observed him previously as a macho jerk, but then, knowing she’s watching him, pretending to be all sensitive and sweet about something, and then feigning surprise when she reveals that she was watching him.
- Him making a hamfisted attempt to do something romantic that comes off ridiculous, but somehow endearing knowing that it was for her benefit.
- Him actually saying that he enjoys talking on the phone with her.
I was always a pretty smart guy when it came to school. High school was a piece of cake. Straight A’s across the board. College, well, some grades suffered a bit freshman year when I was more interested in the chemical reactions of ethanol in human physiology, than I was in what they were actually teaching in Chem 101 - but again, even with the general education requirement classes I couldn’t get into and kind of hated going to, I still got pretty top marks. Same with law school.
But alas, I have now received my very first ever “C” on a report card. And guys, it’s really eating me up inside. I feel so ashamed. Like I’m clearly not working hard enough to earn high marks in this newly graded area of life. *sob* My parents are going to be so disappointed!
What did I get a “C” in, you’re wondering? My car. Yep, apparently the car I drive makes me a “C” car driver. That’s right, Bambi and his mouth-breathing Environmental Paternalism Agency flunkies are now proposing to “grade” my car. Quote:
The government proposed labeling each new passenger vehicle with a letter grade from A to D based on its fuel efficiency and emissions, part of a broader effort by the Obama administration to promote electric cars and other advanced-technology vehicles.
Under the proposed changes, a new label design would carry a large letter grade assigned by regulators. Under the system, the only cars that would receive an A-plus, A or A-minus would be electrics and plug-in hybrids, the government said.
The WSJ also reports a very valid criticism from the auto industry that is absolutely right—this is a perfect example of the government “making value judgments about vehicles.” And in this case, they’re not even trying to be subtle about it—as you’ll see later on when you see the proposed label they want to require.
I mean, it’s obvious that this is straight out of the typical environmentalist playbook. They call it “spreading awareness.” They’re such smug, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou punks who just love to pat themselves on the back when they’re doing something “green.” But it’s not enough for them to just “be green.” It’s not even enough to preach “being green.” Oh no, they have to try and force everyone else to be green too—and when that doesn’t fly, try to make you feel ashamed for not being
exactly like them subscribing to their insane idiot zealot religion green yourself.
And that’s exactly what this is. I found a site that has a breakdown of this grading scale, as well as an example of the new labels they want to stick on cars. Now, imagine you’re a car shopper. Never mind the price tag. Never mind the mpg rating. Never mind the list of options and inclusions. What Bambi and the EPA want you to see first when you go looking for that big ‘ol gas guzzling SUV or sports car is a big fat “C” on it. Why? So you can feel bad about it. So they can say, “WE DO NOT APPROVE!” As if it’s any of their business saying such a thing in the first place. Or, alternatively, so that the smug environmentalists can feel yet another sense of undue pride when they buy an electric or hybrid—the only cars capable of getting an A. I’ll bet you $1000 that if those proposals ever come to pass, you’ll see smug, left-wing jerks leaving the sticker in the window to show off their letter grade (the same way that insecure twerps with something to prove leave it up to show off the price they paid). Who wants to bet me?
And it gets worse. I also followed a link on that second page to see the EPA’s explanation of those new tags. Sheesh, imagine the arrogance and audacity of the government putting a “this vehicle saves” amount and “has an annual fuel cost of this much” amount. Like they can even realistically calculate that given how wildly gas prices range per state, via urban vs. suburban, and how they’re prone to jump or fall based on events totally out of our control. How is this anything but shamefully manipulative in order to push their green-agenda? Now I could understand if it were the car dealership doing this to sell cars—but the government? Why do they even care? (Oh right. Agenda.)
Not to mention their extra guilt trip of pointing out just how much CO2 and “other air pollutants” our evil, evil purchase is going to cause. (You’ll note, however, as the WSJ did, that the proposal “stops short of forcing the labels to contain more information on the environmental impact of the electricity used to charge electric cars.” Wouldn’t want to point that out, of course—it might discourage hybrid-car buying! The EPA definitely doesn’t want to “spread awareness” about that!) But yes—thanks for pointing out how much of an evil polluter the car buyer would be, because nothing makes a car buying experience more pleasant than being
lectured “educated” about how much smog your car is going to cause based on some unexplained “range” and “value” that they probably pulled straight out of their methane-pollution orifice. Hey, have you ever noticed how environmentalists are among the worst when it comes to that kind of pollution, mainly because they’re so full of…
Never mind. Back to my woefully shameful C.
The worst part is, if this is applied retroactively, that means my last three cars have all gotten C’s. For someone so success-oriented, you can imagine how this must be devastating to me.
And the worst part is, I feel like I can’t protest it—because, y’know, if I do, Principal Obama might put me in detention. I can’t get detention! I have soccer practice tonight! And not only that, I have a feeling that this is just to pretext to something worse. Something tells me that if I don’t start getting A’s, Mommy Obama’s going to take away my allowance! Or maybe just send the IRS to take a certain percentage of it based on how bad my grades are. God knows they loved the idea of tax-incentives for hybrid drivers. They’ll probably be thrilled with tax-punishments for non-hybrid drivers. Or, as we’re calling them now—“C and D students.”
That’s the whole point of this, you realize. Not to “make consumers more aware of the environmental impact of cars” (sheesh, who buys into this nonsense?), but to equate “not environmental” with “the dumb kids.” To use this very dirty and underhanded manipulation to influence—not car-buying, mind you—but the tenets of the Church of Environmentalism itself.
On the other hand though… looking at that chart, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to be a D student so much in my life.
So, I was watching my old Twilight Zone episodes (the original series, not any of the reboots) last night, and remembered two that I think are somewhat harrowing in contrast with the state of our society today. The first is “The Obsolete Man.” The second is “The Mirror.” I managed to find them both on Youtube (broken up into three seamless parts). Watch ‘em. They’re good. Or, if you can’t, I transcribed some of the best lines for you all.
Check ‘em out.
“You have only spindly limbs and a dream. The State has no use for your kind.”
“We had predecessors who had the beginnings of the right idea. Hitler, of course. Stalin too. But their error was not one of excess—it was simply not going far enough. Too many undesirables were left around, and undesirables form a core of resistance. … So we eliminate them. And people like yourself, they can perform no useful function for the State—so we eliminate them.”
“Let the whole country see the way an official of The State dies too. Face the camera. Step into the light. Let the whole country see the ‘strength’ of the State. The ‘resilience’ of the State. The ‘courage’ of the State. Let the whole country see the way a valiant man of steel faces death. You have a nirvana coming up too.”
“The Chancellor, the late Chancellor, was only partly correct. He was obsolete. But so is The State, the entity he worshipped. Any State, any entity, any ideology that fails to recognize the worth, the dignity, the rights of man—that State is obsolete.”
“The entertainment must be varied. Must be constant change. But I know them very well. You fill their stomachs and empty their brains. They have cheap tastes and short memories.”
“You have your freedom and you have your life, but you have them both on my sufferance.”
“The victory is not so sweet, is it? Instead of the flavor of wine, it’s the taste of ashes. This is the story of all tyrants, General. They have but one real enemy. And this is the one they never recognize, until too late. God help you.”
Anyone starting to see parallels to our current Federal Government?
“The Obsolete Man” is a very general commentary on nature of Statism. Statists cannot abide independent thought, and they do not want their subjects being too educated. Look at our public school system in this country. Children are not taught how to think analytically. They are taught the answers to questions they need to pass a test. And as adults, this ultimately leads them to become Groupthinking subjectivists—relying exclusively on their feelings, on popular opinion, and on television soundbytes to create their (false, and often contradictory) ideologies. Look at how they defend their stances when in protest of something. They’re totally ignorant of the merit of their position—they only argue it because it “seems right to them.” I mean, pick your subject—environmentalism, abortion, gay marriage, welfare, healthcare. How many people are highly polarized on these subjects having done no research on them whatsoever? (Penn and Teller are notorious for pointing this out in people.) Society these days churns out drones that are entirely deferential to the State. Tell me that people in our society today aren’t easily paralleled with the lockstepped court assembly in this episode? And anyone else, anyone who thinks contrary to that which they do, they have no use for—and often loathe. (We see this at work constantly in our little cross-section of society, right here on this website.)
And what of the sovereign itself? Well, the thing about Statists and other totalitarian/communitarian ideologies—they all suffer from a fatal flaw. By being inherently contradictory, they ultimately can’t survive their own tenets. An avowed Statist will always scream, “In the game of God, let me out!” when they realize that the State’s interests no longer match their individual interests. Of course, they do always have to learn the hard way.
Also of note is how the sovereign in this episode denounced the Christian god, but then begged God to save him. “Atheists in foxholes,” and such. A society that rejects, and often ridicules, religious faith has a funny way of being dependent on it in times of desperation. Nothing funnier than a self-proclaimed atheist whose child is dying. When all other options are exhausted, they always seem to find themselves pleading with a deity they are (smugly) confident doesn’t exist.
“The Mirror” is much more focused. Clemente very clearly reminds us of our current President. Early on (the first quote), his talk reminds me of the “hope and change” nonsense that Bambi spewed. Later (the second quote), we’re made to think about how so much of our society now exists at the whim of the federal government. Oh sure, we have our lives and freedom—but under the edicts of a paternalistic federal power who claims to be acting in our interests, really acting in its own. And in the end, when Clemente is lectured by the priest—well, let’s hope it’s foreshadowing of this current political structure and those involved in it.
Oh, and of course, let’s not forget how “The Mirror” shows us just how insane people in power get when they think their power is threatened.
Perhaps the most poignant line from both episodes is the introduction to “The Obsolete Man:”
“This is not a new world—it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the superstates that preceded it, it has one iron rule: Logic is an enemy, and Truth is a menace.”